Over at Shelley Watters' blog, Is It Hot In Here Or Is It This Book, she's having an agent critique contest! The first stage of the contest is to post your first 250 words and other writers can blog hop around and critique each other. Then on May 31st, you submit your polished 250 on Shelley's blog, and Judith Engracia of Liza Dawson and Associates will pick one to receive a 10-page critique and maybe request more pages! I love these sorts of contests. So, here's the first page of Countless, my urban fantasy novel. Critique away!
He had found his prey at last. From across the room he took in every detail of her face, though he knew it well. The full lips, thin nose and most of all the deep green eyes. Green like a highland meadow or a piece of lustrous sea glass. His eyes traced the moon-pale curve of her calves down to her stilettos. She had raven hair this time.
One hundred and ninety-four years had passed since he’d last seen her. That time when he’d killed her had been different than the times before. He’d made it so that when she came back, she wouldn’t remember a thing. Their times together. The power they’d shared. The life they’d almost had. She’d chosen another path. Taken pity on humanity, decided she didn’t want to go through with their plan. And worse than all that, she’d fallen in love with one of them.
So now, as he watched her, he took a moment to appreciate the beauty of it. She stood here before him, completely oblivious to the fact that she was being hunted. Totally unaware that though she may look human, as he did, she was not. And this time, there would be no temporary death. He had discovered a way to end her forever. She thought of herself as a human now, so she would die like one. Permanently. He had taken her powers, her memories, her lives and her love. Over and over and over again. Now he would take the very last thing he could. Her soul.
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ReplyDeleteYour first sentence was excellent! Immediately sets up the scene that is about to unfold.
ReplyDeleteGreat scene / imagery building. And you've made me curious to know who the "them" might be, that she falls in love with.
My only small crit:
You happen to repeat the word "time" in 4 different locations, only sentences apart between your first and second paragraphs (5 times in total).
Take a look at each instance and see where you might be able to change / rephrase, to tighten this up just a smidge.
Other than that, your last paragraph was fabulous. Really, the last 4 sentences are where the story truly starts to take shape, setting up the reader to turn, turn, turn those pages!
Great job - I'd definitely read more!
Good luck with the contest!
This premise is really interesting, and although it's in third person and urban fantasy which I would both rather avoid, I do want to find out more. I love your descriptions.
ReplyDeleteWow. That's a powerful opener. Great. At first I was thinking, "Man, what kind of sick stalker am I reading about?" When you said "She had raven hair this time" I did a double take.
ReplyDeleteIn your next two paragraphs there are some incomplete sentences. A few quick alterations would remedy that. Ex:
"That time when he’d killed her [it] had been different than the times before. He’d made it so that when she came back, she wouldn’t remember a thing[:] their times together, the power they’d shared, the life they almost had."
"She stood here before him, completely oblivious to the fact that she was being hunted[,] totally unaware that though she may look human, as he did, she was not. This time, there would be no temporary death."
Those are my suggestions. As I said, great set up!
WHOA! It is so intriguing. I want to know more about the MC immediately and the woman he is watching. Great prose. Really clean and compelling. One super nit picky thing "And worse than all that, she’d fallen in love with one of them." There were only two things mentioned so I don't think you should say all that. I think it would be stronger if it was just And worse, she'd fallen in love with one of them. Good luck in the contest!
ReplyDeleteWow. A first page that leaves me wanting more. Who is he and why is he so intent on killing her?
ReplyDeleteI love that it opens with danger and the POV works really well. My only crit would be the same as Erin's - see if you can cut down on the use of the word time. Other than that, I loved it.
Great first page. I can't seem to find much to say. This sounds like a book I want to read. I think the sentence after you mention her green eyes is repetitive and unnecessary. Other than that I think this is great. I am curious to see who the mc actually is: the women being hunted or the hunter? Awesome job and good luck!
ReplyDeleteI love everything about this. It sucked me in from the first line and I was immersed in the story. Didn't notice the writing, just the story, so that's awesome! So, I guess I don't have a critique, just wanted to say HOORAY! You've nailed it! I would love to read this book. You're hard competition for the rest of us! No fair! ;)
ReplyDeleteI think you've got a really strong hook here. I was intrigued being in the mind of this obsessed killer.
ReplyDeleteMy only suggestion would be to take a look at where you can tighten up the prose a little bit. Analyze every word and see if you need it. A couple of thoughts:
"The full lips, thin nose and most of all the deep green eyes. Green like a highland meadow or a piece of lustrous sea glass. "
Instead of having the description of green twice so closely together, consider cutting it from the first sentence:
...and most of all her eyes. Green like a highland meadow...
"That time when he’d killed her had been different than the times before."
Consider:
The last time he'd killed her had been different from all the others.
Really fascinating premise. I'd definitely keep reading to see what happened next ^_^
Good suggestions so far, Alexia. It could be a good idea to cut your use of the word "had" - sometimes it's needed, but not always. You use it 8 times in the first two paragraphs - comb through and make sure you're using the strongest verb possible. And although I'm not a comma expert, I do think you're missing some (not a deal-breaker by any means, but you know - first impressions!!). Good luck!!!!
ReplyDeleteerica
Oooh, so creepy! I'm hooked--I have to know more about these people! Great way to introduce all the tension and conflict.
ReplyDeleteOooh, really liked this. Sounds a little vampire-y, which is eek, but also I can tell this is deeper than that. Angels maybe? Good luck!
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