Pimp My Query

I'm participating in Deana Barnhart's Gearing Up To Get An Agent contest (aka GUTGAA)! Deana is a great blog friend, and even though she's now repped by Sarah LaPolla, she's still so awesome that she wants to pay it forward by hosting this contest. Go follow her if you're not already, and check out the contest. She has helpful contest links in the upper right hand corner of her blog.

And a quick update for those of you who read my last post on virus woes, I'm using hubby's computer this week while I wait for my Toshiba recovery disks to come in the mail. He's just going to wipe my hard drive. So, hopefully my cute little laptop will be healthy again soon.

Okay, so on to GUTGAA! I'm entering my recently completed upper middle grade fantasy. For those of you that don't know, middle grade is usually readers between 7 and 12, and upper middle grade is the oldest category, usually the 11 and 12-year-olds. This is my first full length middle grade novel, though I wrote a short novella for my son once.

So, what we're supposed to post is our query and the first 150 pages of the book. The judging round is next week, so please offer up your feedback so I can polish! Tell me what works and what doesn't. I really would appreciate any and all constructive criticism. Also, definitely let me know if you're participating in GUTGAA too, so I can make sure to visit your entry. I know I'm not going to be able to make it to all 200 or so entries, so that will guarantee I return your visit. And, please feel free to provide feedback even if you're one of my regular blog friends not in GUTGAA!

Query:

(Agent's proper salutation),

The last of the dreams are running out…

It’s been thirteen years since the Queen of Ravens cast the spell to strip all Taravel’s inhabitants of dreams. Or so she thought. Unbeknownst to her, there is one remaining who can dream unaided, twelve-year-old Eleven, the dreamseer.

An orphan, El has been raised in a black market dream caravan, caring for the ponies who grant people the ability to dream. The citizens of Taravel pay generously for a ride on the dream carousel, a chance to touch the magical, dream-inducing manes of the ponies. But when the ponies start losing their ability to spin dreams, El knows she must do something.

Accompanied by Dusti, a persnickety pony, and Ryn, the pirate-poet, El sets out to break the Queen’s spell. The three companions’ adventures take them from crystal pirate ships, to cities in the sky, to underground palaces and the home of a sea witch. Along the way El realizes there’s a lot more at stake than the ponies: a rebellion is brewing, the Queen has learned of her existence, and the truth about her parents is far different than she ever imagined. And worst of all, if El doesn’t free the dreams soon, they’ll be gone forever.

Everdream is a 50,000 word upper middle grade fantasy. Per your submission guidelines, I've included (whatever requested) below. Thank you for your time and consideration.



First 150 words:

Dreams seeped through the flaps of the tent, escaping into the sky like multi-colored ghosts. It was a busy night in the caravan. Though the metallic taste of thunder sat on my tongue and dark clouds pressed down over the crowd, we were still packed. The other merchants had begun to close up for the night. But we weren’t exactly ordinary merchants.

I counted bodies as I walked along the line of people snaking out the purple and white striped tent. Sixty-two. Eight-eight. Ninety-six. When I hit one hundred I cut in.

“Sorry, but this is the cap for the night.” I watched the opposite expressions of relief and disappointment on the faces of the two people I stood between. Groans and angrier protests rose around me.

I walked back to the tent as the crowd behind lucky number one hundred dispersed into the darkness.



Thanks for taking the time to read my entry! Good luck to all GUTGAA participants. And everybody have a great week!

Final Week of GUTGAA Blogfest! First 200 Words Critique!

Hi, writer friends! Last week of Deana Barnhart's blogfest! I am not officially participating in the contest because my novel is for adults, but I wanted to put up my pages for critique nonetheless. Also, if you missed me and fellow blogfester Michelle Fayard's post on using Amazon to boost your book sales, check it out now!

Okay, so here's the scoop with my first 200. My novel, Countless, starts with sort of a prologue. And further, the prologue is written from the perspective of my villain, not my MC. I know agents typically don't like prologues, however, this opening event really and truly is the catalyst for the whole book. And, my MC is not aware that it's happened, which is also vital to the whole book. So, what I decided to do was post the first 200 from this prologue, and also the first 200 from the next chapter, which is written from my MC's perspective. Please pick which one you'd like to take a stab at and critique away! And if you have any thoughts on the whole 'to prologue or not to prologue', please share!

Here goes:

Prologue - First 200

He had found his prey at last. From across the room he took in every detail of her face, though he knew it well. The full lips, thin nose, and most of all the deep green eyes. Green like a highland meadow or a piece of lustrous sea glass. His eyes traced the moon-pale curve of her calves, down to her stilettos. She had raven hair this time.

One hundred and ninety-four years had passed since he’d last seen her. That time when he’d killed her was different than the times before. He’d made it so when she came back, she wouldn’t remember a thing. Their times together, the power they’d shared, the life they’d almost had. She’d chosen another path. Taken pity on humanity, and decided she wouldn’t go through with their plan. And worse, she’d fallen in love with one of them.

So now, as he watched her, he took a moment to appreciate the beauty of it. She stood before him, waiting for the elevator, completely oblivious to the fact that she was being hunted. Totally unaware that though she may look human, as he did, she was not. And this time, there would be no temporary death.
 
Chapter One - First 200
 
The day wasn’t going as planned.

First, her alarm hadn’t gone off and she’d nearly been late for work. Then the copy shop screwed up the prints for her big presentation. And now, the cabbie had dropped her off at the wrong address, except of course she didn’t realize it until he’d already pulled away from the curb.

Eva tried to chase him down, but her only reward was a cloud of exhaust and a close encounter with the sidewalk as her Gucci heels wobbled beneath her. She let out a groan as her gaze traveled up and down Lexington Avenue, searching addresses. She’d been told the gallery was near Gramercy Park, just south of East 22nd. Flipping black curls behind her shoulder, her eyes scanned the buildings around her again. Shit. Where is this place?

After a quick glance at her phone confirmed how late she was running, she decided to stop and ask for directions. To her right she saw a bar named The Lunar Landing. As she reached for the door, her eyes moved over the windows spanning the front, curtains covering the lower half so she couldn’t quite see in. This better not be some sort of strip joint.

 And there it is! It will probably take me a few days to hop around to everyone. Good luck to everyone entering the contest!

There's Blood in the Water...

I'm getting critiqued over at Carol's blog today!!
Pop over and take a look - she does an excellent job of identifying lots of technical writing things. I'm trying to get better at that stuff. Learn from my public flaying! Heck, flay me yourself :)

Oh, and remember how bummed I was that I didn't get into the Miss Snark's First Victim critique thing last week? Well she did a second round and I got in! I think she's going to post all twenty-five excerpts tomorrow or Friday. I'm entry number 44.

Two in one week? Yeah, I'm a masochist.

Stop back Friday for my pitches, and then Monday will be my final pre-conference post before me and Colene's blogfest on Thursday the 17th.