Hello, fellow blogfesters and writer friends! Hope everyone is having a great weekend. I saw Deathly Hallows Part 2, and it was awesome!!
So, week three of Deana Barnhart's blogfest is pretty straightforward - post your query and let everyone critique it! Then reciprocate for them. So, here's the query I'm currently using. Please critique away!
(Mr./Ms. Last Name of Agent),
I am seeking representation for my urban fantasy novel, Countless.
Finding out she’s a witch is pretty much a complete mind blow for Eva Westvale. After all, she was just a normal Manhattanite moving up the corporate ladder and planning her wedding to her college sweetheart.
And discovering she’s lived countless lifetimes, hunted through the centuries by a sorcerer intent on possessing her soul? The icing on her perfect paranormal cake.
Now all she has to do is evade the cloaked figure that seems to show up everywhere, avoid becoming too physically entangled with the sexy shapeshifter who’s decided to help her, escape the rival shifters she’s pissed off, fit in with the other witches, learn coven politics – oh, and regain a millennia worth of memory and power so she can stay alive, soul intact.
Countless is complete at 75,000 words. Per your submission guidelines, I've included (sample pages, synopsis, whatever they've asked for on their website). I appreciate your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Alexia A. Chamberlynn
(phone number)
(email)
(web address)
Whatcha think? I'll be hopping around over the next couple days to provide feedback on everyone else's.
Also, mark this date on your calendar: July 21st. On that lovely day, Michelle Fayard is doing a guest post on my blog about self promotion for authors! She's got some great tips to share, so stop on by!
Hi, Alexia,
ReplyDeleteI'll put my comments in parentheses/all caps, so hopefully they'll be easier to spot:
(I am seeking representation for my urban fantasy novel, Countless.=WHAT WOULD YOU THINK ABOUT MOVING THIS TO THE GRAPH WHERE YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR WORD COUNT? THAT WAY EDITORS/AGENTS CAN GET RIGHT TO THE HOOK OF YOUR BOOK.)
Finding out she’s a witch is pretty much a complete mind blow for Eva Westvale. After all, she was just a normal Manhattanite moving up the corporate ladder and planning her wedding to her college sweetheart. (EXCELLENT FIRST TWO SENTENCES; I'M IMMEDIATELY HOOKED!)
And discovering she’s lived countless lifetimes, hunted through the centuries by a sorcerer intent on possessing her soul? The icing on her (perfect=DELETE) paranormal cake.
Now all she has to do is evade the cloaked figure that seems to show up everywhere, avoid becoming too physically entangled with the sexy shapeshifter who’s decided to help her, escape the rival shifters she’s pissed off, fit in with the other witches, learn coven politics – oh, and regain a millennia worth of memory and power so she can stay alive, soul intact. (ALL EXCELLENT.)
(Countless=ALL CAP THE TITLE)(, AN URBAN FANTASY,) is complete at 75,000 words. (MENTION WHAT MAKES YOU THE PERFECT PERSON TO WRITE THIS BOOK.)
(Per your submission guidelines, I've=CAN DELETE) included (sample pages, synopsis, whatever they've asked for on their website). I appreciate your time and consideration.
(THIS QUERY ROCKS SO MUCH, I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL THE BOOK IS UNDER CONTRACT AND HITS THE SHELVES. YOU'VE NAILED IT.)
Michelle
P.S. Thank you so much, Alexia, for the guest post tease; I am excited about being on your blog to share one of my favorite marketing tools.
Shoot girl, I'm not sure I have any good critique to give on this one (which is probably good for you ;) I'm completely hooked and I don't even like witchy/paranormal books. I think I like this one so much is because of how distinctive your voice is. If that carries through your WIP, I would be totally into it.
ReplyDeleteNice job!
Fantasy isn't my thing, but I loved your query and the way you described the story! I liked the writing style, which makes it seem like a fun, inviting story. I agree, it does suggest the same type of voice that'll be used for the narration in the actual book.
ReplyDeleteGreat query! My only critique is to leave out the first paragraph, but some agents prefer it being there, so I suggest you go by who you're querying. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteCOUNTLESS sounds awesome!
ReplyDeleteI would remove the first line about COUNTLESS being an urban fantasy and put it where you do the rest of the housekeeping (how many words it is, etc.). That way you can start with your hook.
Also, you should leave out that your novel is complete. You wouldn't be querying it--or not supposed to--without it being complete. The agent already assumes it is complete, so you can say "COUNTLESS is a 75,000-word urban fantasy."
I really, really like the line about the icing on her perfect paranormal cake. Talk about adding VOICE to a query! Rock on, girl. :) I think it looks good; I've heard to CAP the title of the novel, however.
ReplyDeleteWow, Alexia, this is a GREAT query! It has everything: hook, stakes, and voice. So, in terms of criticism, I got nothin'... except maybe for putting the title in caps. Makes it stand out a bit more. But that's seriously all I got. :)
ReplyDeleteThis has a great hook. Poor girl :)
ReplyDeleteThe second sentence tripped me up. Try: AFTER discovering she’s lived countless lifetimes, hunted through the centuries by a sorcerer intent on possessing her soul…Then tell us what she does.
Your third paragraph is well done.
I would be very interested in reading this. I hope you find someone who loves it. Good Luck
Hi, I’m a new follower through Deana’s Blogfest.
ReplyDeleteI think the query is pretty solid for the kind of book you're submitting. She's going to learn about her new powers and the sorcerer adds threat giving it a sense of urgency. The shapeshifter adds the romantic element.
Some of the things she will have to contend with end up reading a bit like a list, feels like you might have tried to fit in too many. Potentially interesting ideas, but not sure if you really nailed them.
I might be tempted to shorten it a bit to something like:
Now all she has to do is evade the cloaked figure that seems to show up everywhere, avoid becoming too physically entangled with the sexy shapeshifter who’s decided to help her, and regain a millennia worth of memory and power so she can stay alive, soul intact.
Mood
My query is at: Moody Writing
@mooderino
Wow. Wow. Wow. And wow.
ReplyDeleteFavorite part - "The icing on her paranormal cake"
I second Michelle's advice. I've been watching her critiques and she's been dead on since I've been visiting. I loved it... seriously tickled pink. I'd request pages pronto :)
I think it's a strong query, although I think it could be tightened, pruning out"after all", and maybe meshing graphs one and two. I agree with Michelle's suggestions. It certainly sounds like a strong, exciting book. I love the idea of coven politics. keep us posted.
ReplyDeleteIts a good query, sums up everything and has the element of hooking the agent/reader. Though I am no query expert (I have just written one few days back.) My advice would be to shorten it a bit, especially the third paragraph.
ReplyDeleteHey Alexia! I like it! I couldn't find anywhere for suggestions. I'd read it! :)
ReplyDeleteBest of luck!
Like everyone else, I'd move the first paragraph to the end.
ReplyDeleteThe next two paragraphs are intriguing, but could be combined into one paragraph, something like: When working girl Eva Westvale discovers she's a witch and that a sorcerer has been chasing her through many lifetimes, trying to possess her soul, she's caught in a cat-and-mouse game that could kill her.
Next paragraph, a bit of the plot that gives a hint of what she has to do to survive.
Your query is pretty good as it is, but I think it could be improved.
Simply because witches are trendy, I think you've got a shot... but it's a little too long. You tell it well in her voice (assuming that's what you were doing), but can it be shorter? What sets this book apart from all the others that are flooding agents' inboxes right now? Tell us.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this. The only thing that irked me is the "avoid becoming too physically entangled with the sexy shapeshifter who’s decided to help her". Makes her seem like a cheater considering that she's engaged.
ReplyDeleteThere's not much that needs working on here. It's all pretty tight and well condensed.
ReplyDeleteThe long list kind of threw me, but I'm sure that was the point.
I did the same intro with "I am seeking..." and was told that you shouldn't use this so just introduce your book at the send with the genre and word count.
It's pretty damn perfect. Good for you!
I think it's a pretty great query except for the first sentence. Move it to later, start with your hook.
ReplyDeletePersonally I like the perfect paranormal cake line.
Great job!
I agree with others in that you've got the light-hearted tone down perfectly. This sounds like a totally fun read! The last graph caught me tho, because I don't know why her life is threatened. You make your MC sound so competent, there's very little tension. I think you could fix with one specific example out of that overview graph - the coven, the shapeshifters, etc.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck!
Alexia, your comment on my query is amazing!! I can't tell you how helpful it is. Thank you for stopping by :)
ReplyDeleteAlexia,
ReplyDeleteI don't see how you wouldn't get requests back on this! I love it:)
If you are planning on submitting your query for the contest please email it to me by 12PM ET Tuesday.
Good Luck!
D
Fantastic query with a strong voice. Love it. It certainly makes me want to know more. Agree that the book title should be in caps and you should start with the hook.
ReplyDeletePerfection:) Can't wait to read it!
ReplyDeleteThe voice was really fun in this query. And I don't have anything constructive to add =P I am wondering what it is about her that makes her so special that she's been hunted through the centuries, and also if reincarnation is typical among the witches or unique to her. Not sure these need to be answered in the query, but just so you're aware of what I was thinking lol.
ReplyDeleteHi Alexia! This is a GREAT query. Your hook is succinct, your voice shines through, and it's obvious you've put a lot of thought and effort into every single word you use. In short, I love it.
ReplyDeleteOne quick thing that confused me a little bit. No one else has mentioned this, so it may just be me, but it wasn't immediately apparent to me that the cloaked figure and the sexy shapeshifter were two different people. I assume the cloaked figure is the sorcerer hunting her, but when I first read it, it almost sounded like the cloaked figure showing up everywhere turned out to be the sexy shapeshifter, and now he's decided to help her. Does that make sense?
Otherwise, this query sparkles. One of the very best I've read!
Sold! This is fantastic -- I think my favorite line is: the icing on her perfect paranormal cake. Your voice shines through marvelously.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on finaling--your query was my fav:) And thanks for commenting on my query--really helped me out!
ReplyDeleteHey Alexia
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to say congrats on being shortlisted. It sounds like an awesome story, a strong query. good luck!
alex